Recorded Emotions
by Esthern' EraguardiansofChaos
Summary: Bakura's been banished or done away with, Ryou isn't sure.But he needs to find a way to pour out his pain, his emotion, he needs a way to speak to Bakura.And it all starts with a tape. And Ryou'll keep doing this until his yami comes back. His Bakura. R
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO…no da

Summary: This is about Ryou. Bakura was banished because he was accused of abusing Ryou. Ryou starts to lose hope and records his feelings and emotions on a tape. It's kind of jumbled and confusing, but that how Ryou feels right now.

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Recorded Emotions

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(Tape whirs to life) 

Haven't you ever cried? Not out of joy, or because you laughed too hard, but because you were angry, or sad, or just even because you hurt yourself? Haven't you ever been thrown down for some reason or the other and felt like you needed someone to hold you and rock you and keep you feeling safe and like you're needed? Haven't you ever felt like that, but never had anyone to be there? Don't you know how that feels?

(sigh)

If you haven't, you're incredibly lucky.

So much pressure and frustration makes me cry. When my mother was disappointed, it makes me cry too. Even when she was upset at herself or with my sister and not at me, it made me cry, because it made me feel like she'd given up on my sister and me. I feel like this every time someone else feels like that.

Does it matter that I, Ryou Bakura, get so discouraged like this? Does it matter that I always feel this pain? No, it doesn't, because I am always in the background, only there too further glorify the group's leaders. I am simply there, almost invisible. No one hates me, how can you hate someone you can't see? Or really likes me for that matter.

And why on earth am I ranting? Goodness.

(bitter laughter)

My mother used to get so disappointed in me and it made me sad. I tried so hard to please her by having good grades but lately, I'd been slipping not just a little while, but for the whole year. People use me, people cry on my shoulder and I'm always there, but I'm never noticed, but I pretend to be happy anyway, but I never am.

So my grades slipped to a few B's and A's instead of straight A's and my mother started scolding me and telling me how disappointed she was and how I should have tried harder and I couldn't help it, I was just like a little child, I began to cry and explain how things had happened and so much had made me frustrated, but she just kept going. I continued to weep.

I tried to tell her that I was sorry, and that because I knew she would be like this, even though I had gotten an award, I'd thrown it away. She only started to scold harder. My eyes ached, and I couldn't stop. Inside, I was always crying. They were always disappointed, always.

I don't know why I'm remembering this now, but I am. Because I've always been like that inside. I've been crying, clutching a pillow to my chest, wanting someone to hold me in safe arms and tell me that it would be all right. But no one has ever told me that or done that, not even my mother when she was alive, it was all Amane. And even though sweet, sweet Amane made me smile sometimes, she caused me even more pain.

I lost my smile so many years ago, I can't remember when it was. Was it when my father was home less and less and mother began to stay inside her room and cry with Amane? Or was it when I fought with my parents and Amane and ran away? Was it when I was ignored and shunned by those who were my friends? Or was it when they died? Was it when my father abandoned me? No, I think it was when I cried and no one cared enough to apologize, or hold me and tell me it's fine or when I was sick and no one cared enough to notice.

I was always alone. And it was terrible. I wished I was dead.

(Quivering breaths)

Then Bakura came. And then the ring dug into my skin so deeply that it left a scar and it bled so that I almost screamed. I didn't faint though, because for some reason, I never faint. And Bakura scared me so, but he let me know that he would never leave me, and I almost smiled. The scar is a constant reminder that he will never be gone, even if they have banished him for now…

Bakura and I fell in love somehow. I don't understand how it was possible.One of the most powerful people in the worldfell in love with me, the weakest hikari. But he told me that I was wrong. I was strong somehow, and he was weak. I don't, I can't, understand. But you know what? I don't want to. He fell in love with me and that's all that matters.

I don't know how it happened. He existed, and he was always there, even when I wished for privacy. We made a point of ignoring each other, but somehow, some way, he noticed my loneliness and reached out to me. And that moment, in one second, I fell in love so hard; I could have broken the Earth.

But they stole him away from me. I don't know why, I don't know how, but when they did, I wanted to die. They believed that he was evil and responsible for his actions and a threat to their glorified world. They believed he hurt me. They found some scars and immediately affiliated them with Bakura even though it was me that made them. I was so afraid that I might stop feeling, I cut myself. Bakura found out and almost killed me for it. He raged and told me if I ever did it again, he would just kill me and be done with it.

(choked sobs)

Bakura knew they would make my life hell if I refused to give him up so he went with them, and they banished him to the shadows. And I died once more. I felt so sick that I didn't go to school for a few weeks and none of them noticed. None of those goddamned son of a bitches noticed. None of them cared. At least, not the ones that called themselves my friends. I found some companionship in those that were just like me. There, but not really noticed. Seto Kaiba, the Ishtars, Serenity, they were the ones that came to ease my pain. They were the ones to keep me from dying.

And I wonder why they even tried to save me when I'd given in to pain and darkness so long ago. But I love them for trying. And maybe I can be saved once I get Bakura back. Because I need him, God knows, I need him…

This isn't making any sense, is it Bakura? Why am I even recording a letter to you? Why am I bothering to tell you all of this in third person (or is it first, I'm not really sure anymore) when you'll never hear me, see me? I don't understand why I try.

(bitter laughter again)

Why do I dwell on this when it only causes me more pain? Why did you say I was strong Bakura? WHY DID YOU FUCKING LOVE ME AND JUST GET BANISHED? WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO GO? WHY? Why? I hate you. I really do. I HATE YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME! I-I HATE you.

(crying sounds, sobs)

I'm crying, you know that? I'm crying god damn it. And it feels fucking good. Because it lets me know that I still need you. And it hurts. Because that means I still love you. We fell in love, but I never got to say, I love you. But I'm saying it now, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I want you back. No, scratch that, I need you back. I need you, even if you don't need me. And I can't help it, I love you so much, that I want to die.

(shuddering sighs, whimpers, then a last cry)

Oh gods I love you Bakura. Please, please come back to me. Somehow…I need you so damn much. You are my anchor to life and sanity. Did you know? I started cutting again. I'm so so sorry.

(static, End)

"No my dear Ryou." A dark voice said quietly as they stopped the tape. "It's me, that's sorry. So very, very, sorry."

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PLEASE REVIEW! 


	2. Paper and pen

So I decided to continue, although I'm sure that the first chapter was much better

Chapter 2

A Pencil and Pen

Disclaimer: No, I really own YGO, what do you think? Of course I don't.

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Ryou sighed and set his backpack down next to his chair. He didn't feel like talking today, his throat hurt. Instead, he reached into his desk and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. 

_What more can I say? There's nothing else to say at all, except that I'm sorry. But I've already said that, haven't I? I wish you were back, I wish that you were back even if you didn't remember me, didn't like me, even hated me. Because you're missing, and you're a part of me. _

_I would commit suicide, but you would laugh and call me weak, and then threaten to kill me yourself if I tried. Would it bring you back though? Somehow, I know it won't. What can I do but live numbly, without emotion? What else exists but utter darkness? _

_Why am I like this Bakura? Why? You were the one to be there for me, to be my darkness, I was your light. Why am I forced to forge my darkness so that I may make up for your absence? I need you to balance me, to keep me from insanity. But you're not. _

_And I feel utterly, utterly helpless. _

_You always asked me how my day was while you attempted to hide the damage that you managed to do while I wasn't looking. And then I would see and you would chuckle nervously, somehow very afraid of my hikari wrath. Then you would run out of the kitchen(because that was where we usually were) and you would start running away while I grabbed a frying pan or a skillet or a pot or something hard, metal, and something that had a handle(except for that time when I tried to bash your head in with a tray)and try to harm you with it while you ran across the house screaming bloody murder. You really wouldn't want anyone to find out about that would you? Anyway, you had so much more stamina than I did so I would usually collapse, laughing and then you would peer around the corner and see whether I had forgiven you yet. And I always did. _

_I miss your kisses after that happened. Light, gentle, and always full of love, they always managed to make me feel giddy and light- headed and then I would tell you about my day while you absently stroked my hair .So unlike the mighty and terrible tomb robber that everyone knew._

_But you were dangerous. Do you think that I didn't know that? Your danger was-is part of you and I accept it just as I accept your annoying thieving skills and your love and every inch of you. That was all you and I was one of the only ones that accepted all of that about you. I loved your danger just as much as I loved your tenderness and your attention and your protectiveness yes, I loved it all. I can't deny it. _

_Then everything would calm down somewhat and we would do something to make everything more exciting. You would drag me to a thieving excursion or a bar with Malik and Marik and I would drag you all to the library or the museum as revenge, but you would always manage to get Isis to kick us out by making a big fuss about something or the other. I can't remember the last time I went to the museum or the library. It's been forever since I've gone thieving and I haven't gone to the bars to drown my sorrows surprisingly. I manage to cut loose my pain by cutting, pathetic as it is. _

_Then you and I would either go out to dinner or I would make it at home. You would try to help me but it would end up with you accidentally blowing something up and me throwing you out, both of us cracking up_

_So that was how most of our days would go. I only want those days back. Those were the happiest times that I ever had. Even when my mother and Amane were still alive, when my dad actually gave a damn about me, I would have given it all up for you. Only for you._

_So, do you want to know about my day? I know that you can't hear me,or see me,but just telling you will help me feel more stable, so bear with me here. Great I'm talking to a piece of paper First signs of madness, talking to inanimate objects. _

_So, school's been so much duller without you. I have to listen to Ryoko-sensei without you blabbering in your soul room about how boring he is. And all my tests are getting aced, just a lot slower because I don't have any motivation or interest anymore._

_I just scored a 100 on my math finals you know. Yugi-gumi glance at me so oddly now, especially Yami. He stares at me when he thinks I can't see him and his face flushes. I don't know why but I don't like it. If you were her, you'd probably try to beat the crap out of him. _

_I don't know what's going on anymore Bakura, it's like I'm looking at the past, like I'm in a dream, because all I see Bakura, is something that reminds me of you. _

_Love always, _

_Ryou Bakura _

"You fool." A warm, and affectionate voice said gruffly from the shadows. "You complete idiot." But of course Ryou didn't hear. He had written that a week ago.

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I love you guys, thanks for reviewing!

Please REVIEW


	3. Video

I really should have kept this as a one-shot, the first chapter is always angstiest. From here on out, be warned, angst might be mild. But if you still want to read, I wuvs you very much

Esther'n'Era etc. don't own YGO, Ryou, Bakura, or any manga at all

Video

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"Another recording Bakura. Aren't you happy? I'm joking, I'm joking. Actually, if you knew, you'd be trying to kill me." Ryou smiled gently before wiping it off. "You know what? I can't even control that smile anymore. Every single time I see someone, that smile just automatically pops up and they believe it." He scoffed lightly. "Shows how much they know." 

"So, I guess it's time you get filled in on how horrible life is being to me at the moment. Remember Ushio and Tanaka? Yeah, the two buffoons? Yep, they got out of the mental hospital and they're back. Along with the primitive instinct to bully." Ryou shook his head, his white mane falling into his face. "They somehow got it into their brains that the other side of me is gone so now they can beat me up again."

"But that's getting ahead of myself. Here's how my morning starts off. I wake up, and sometimes, sometimes I can hear your voice yelling something like, 'WAKE UP YOU STUPID HIKARI! YOU DON'T WANT THE BRATS COMING OVER HERE!' or wailing, 'Wake up Ryou! I'm HUUUUUUUUNGRY!' or your fists banging on the door if I didn't wake up in the same room as you. But, you're never actually there. Doesn't that suck?"

"Anyway, so I wake up, take a shower, make breakfast, blah, blah, blah. Actually, I always make too much for myself. I keep thinking, two bowls of this, two cups of that, and then I realize it's just me, and I can't back out. I really love cooking, and you really loved eating."

"So I grab my backpack and start the lonely walk to school. Yes, it's very lonely because there isn't a slightly psychotic and crazy dark spirit in my head." He laughed quietly, looking almost at peace, even if his muddy eyes countered that. "And there's the fact that I've asked most of them just to leave me alone. I can't be around other people for long, especially the ones that are involved with the Millennium Items. And of course, the Yugi-tachi don't particularly care anymore."

"But that's not their fault. It's not as if I want to interact with them. Honestly, the first couple of days after you were gone, I thought that I was going to bite them if they came close to me, or at the very least claw their eyes out. I was in a very violent mood. Sound like anyone else we know…?"

"Anyway, Ms. Yuki is particularly annoying when I want some rest and quiet especially since she's the first period teacher. You remember her? Thin, narrow, shallow woman with slanted eyes and screechy voice? Yeah, her, it's like nails scratching down the chalkboard. And of course I know what that sounds like because of somebody…"

"So I try to catch up on some sleep, doesn't work. At least she leaves me alone if I actually do my homework. Blah blah blah. The PE teacher still sucks like crap but you've scared the living daylights out of him, so…yeah. He pretty much leaves me alone but when he does bother me, I just have to put on your famous death glare, aka my inherited death glare, and he just backs off really fast."

"There's nothing really much more to say." Ryou said thoughtfully. "Mostly because nothing's changed. You're gone and I don't know how to get you back, I send you insanely odd messages, knowing you're probably never going to get it. Damn it! What's wrong with me?" Ryou's head fell into his hands.

"You know how I told you that you're lucky if you haven't cried? You're lucky if you haven't had a loss of something. I lost Mom, I lost Amane, I lost my Dad in a way, I've lost my security, my self pride, I've lost hope, and I've lost you. Actually, you're the one that I miss the most. Seriously."

"This sense of loss, like you've lost something and you can never get it back, is beyond pain. It's not even painful enough for you to stop breathing. No. This loss makes me act naturally, it's not like I've even changed. Except I'm so numb. And tired. And lonely. I don't understand the Fates anymore. Bakura, do me a favor, if you hear this, ask the Fates exactly why they enjoy toying with my life. I really don't feel like a toy. It kinda hurts if my hair gets pulled and if someone pokes my stomach, so I'm not exactly one of those plush dolls that go Mommy, or I'm hungry if someone punches my gut."

Ryou's shoulders began to shake lightly. It was hard to tell whether it was from hysterics or sobbing. When he looked up, his face was dry. "It's hard. It's just so, fucking hard. I try, I really do. I truly want to wake up and enjoy life once again. But how do I do that without you? Wishing on stars don't work, or making guesses. I especially don't understand how Yami could do this to me, especially since half his soul has disappeared once before."

"Yami. Oh yes." His tone suddenly changed. Venomous and biting, angry. "He is the only one that won't leave me alone. I'm really considering the option of hitting him so he goes away." His expression was dark.

"See, he's always telling me, he knows exactly how I feel cause he lost his own other half before, but that I'll get over it, because this situation is different. You were evil, and deserved this." He grimaced. "That I would become stronger. He was right about that. I became stronger in my own way. If I can't have my dark, then I'll become darker. It's the way the world goes."

"And it's like he's trying to make sure that I don't have a lonely moment. Look at this, LOOK AT THIS!" He held up an answering machine. "There's like thirty nine messages on this thing! Today! I swear on whichever god is up there, if I hadn't changed the number on my cell, it would say something like, Message Overload. That bastard just doesn't leave me alone!" Ryou shook his head. "It's quite annoying you know."

The telephone rang and Ryou swore lightly. "Sorry Kura, but I've gotta go. I'll send you another message tomorrow."


	4. Essays and Answerings

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN YGO! GEEZ

Essays and Answering machines

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_A paper turned into Miyaki-sensei_

Where were you when I needed you?  
Why were you gone?  
Couldn't you see how much I was fading?

Can't you see how alone I am? It's dark outside And I'm afraid

Why aren't you here? Here to comfort me?

Is it possible that you don't care?  
That my shine dimmed?  
Without you, my darkness

My Light, It's going out

Swirling shadows,

They're racing to catch up to me

To surround me with their dusk

When I long for dawn

Why won't you come back? Every day I wait Every hour I long to see your face If only for a moment

So where were you?  
Why don't you hear me?

Why can't you comfort me? Your overpowering aura…it's gone And tears fall The only things that make sense

My heart pounds harder I breathe loudly, I can't understand Salty, thick, unstoppable tears They cloud my vision Obscure my judgment And just as your gone, So is my sense of security

He is gone. I have searched for him for what seems like a thousand years. My other half, my other soul. Why is he gone? Can no one understand? As surely as yin-yang, I must have a darker half! Why can no one accept that? Especially _him._ The one so great he found banishing my yang justifiable. _Justifiable. _I laugh at h is justice. I despise him beyond words.

I am losing purity, losing sense. I need someone, I need him.

_Mr. Bakura. Your usually impeccable work seems to be failing and your writing has become rambling. Are you feeling all right? Maybe you should take a day off or something… But because of the sheer emotion in this paper, I shall give you an B-_

**

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**

Hello? Yeah you damn bitch, you called Bakura. If you're the freaking Pharaoh or that stupid friendship bitch, a museum curator or a solicitor, hang up and never call this number again if you want to keep your soul. If you're a fucking fangirl, fuck off. If it's the Ishtars, just leave a message. Kaiba, leave me alone, I returned all your stuff, go date Serenity or something. Oh and Ryou (his voice goes all silky here and you can tell that he's going to embarrass someone)**, love of my life, leave me a message, I must hear your beautiful voice again to light up my days. Okay, I'm done embarrassing you now, just leave me a message. Have a fucking retarded day. **

Heh, hey Bakura. I always hated that voicemail of yours. But now it's all I have left. So, what to say, what to say. I miss you cause I need you. Actually…I have nothing more to say. What do you say to someone who can't hear you? Bakura, there's nothing to say anymore. I'm- 

**_Crackle crackle ksssssht. _Damn cell…Hey, I have a question, why do you keep recording things for me when I'm right here? **

Ryou gasped softly and turned around. "B-Bakura?"

Leaning on the wall across from the phone sat Bakura, looking very pleased with himself. "In the flesh!"

Ryou struggled for words, thoughts traveling all around his brain. Then finally… "I hate you…"

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DUN DUN DUN! You guys hate me now, don't you? Well, please review! 

I've finished the next chapter already, but I'm going to make some new adjustments


	5. Return

Stupid dubbed voice: Previously on Recorded Emotions

_Ryou gasped softly and turned around. "B-Bakura?"_

_Leaning on the wall across from the phone sat Bakura, looking very pleased with himself. "In the flesh!"_

_Ryou struggled for words, thoughts traveling all around his brain. Then finally… "I hate you…"_

Haha, i've left you in torment long enough! ON with the next, (and probably final) chapter of Recorded Emotions!

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And i don't own Ygo

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Bakura gazed at him, his smile never faltering at Ryou's words. "I hate you." Ryou choked out. "I hate you for leaving me when I needed you. Without telling me why." 

"I know."

"I despise you because you left without saying goodbye. You were just gone." Ryou had regained some control of his voice. "I hate you…because you left me alone."

"I see."

Tears rolled down Ryou's cheeks as he got closer. "I hate you so much. I wish that you never existed, or at least I never did. I wish that you would stop playing these tricks on me, appearing, and then just leaving without a trace."

"I understand."

"How could you? How could you understand how much I loathed, no loath right now? How could you? Was this what you wanted to see? Did you want to see me dying when I was alive? Did you want to hear me curse the world and lose my spirit? Did you? Tell me, did you?"

"No."

"Say something." Ryou said, approaching him slowly, almost staggering. "SAY SOMETHING DAMNIT! TELL ME YOU HATE ME TOO! THAT YOU LEFT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T STAND ME ANYMORE! SAY SOMETHING!" He was near hysterics now. And then he quieted. "Damnit. Say…say something." His eyes were filling, filled with pain and fright.

Bakura just smiled, somewhat different than his general smirk and spread his arms in a, there's-nothing-to-say gesture. Ryou threw himself at him, pounding at his chest wildly, frantically, desperately. He didn't know what he was doing, as long as he could get Bakura.

"I hate you! So fucking much! Why did you leave me all alone? WHY!" Ryou kept pounding away, almost idiotically. And his words were abruptly cut off with a hard kiss as he was turned around and pushed against the wall. He struggled but Bakura's body kept him pinned against the concrete surface and then gently eased up. Ryou was then collapsing in Bakura's arms, tears streaming down his face heavily and sobbing into Bakura's chest. Bakura held him then, refused to let him fall. He stroked his hair gently and kissed his forehead.

Ryou gulped out the last of his tears and hung onto Bakura for dear life, afraid, desperately afraid that if he let loose, even for a moment, he would disappear into wisps.

"I'm sorry." He whimpered slightly. "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry."

"There's nothing to forgive." Bakura laughed, a little tiredly. "Get some sleep Ryou, hating isn't an easy job. And I'll still be here when you wake up."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

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It's so short...damn it , I made it too sappy! (TT)


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